Bring back button fly jeans

Somehow, button fly jeans are nearly impossible to find these days.  Dear fashion designers, please bring them back–they are the superior option for these reasons:

  • While zipper fly jeans zip up faster than button fly does, button fly jeans come open much faster than zip fly.  Unless you are doing dumb things in life, you need speed getting your jeans off more than you need it getting them on.
  • Button fly jeans preclude the very real possibility of a There’s Something About Mary situation.
  • Button fly jeans have 3 double layers of denim protecting your package.  Zip fly only has 2 double layers.
  • The extra layer of denim gives your package a little extra bulk if you need it.
  • Button fly jeans do not provide an electrically continuous pathway to your frank and beans.
  • Zip fly jeans are put on with top button first, then the zipper—that leads to potentially forgetting step 2 and leaving your fly open.  Button fly jeans are closed bottom to top, so there’s very little likelihood that you’ll need to XYZ PDQ.
  • Button fly jeans rarely open on their own.  The zipper on zip fly jeans often will zip down on their own.
  • Zip fly jeans are much easier to break than button fly.  And if you break a zipper on zip fly jeans, you are in for an expensive repair and your jeans will not close until they are repaired—particularly inconvenient if you are in the middle of an important event.  If you break a buttonhole on button fly jeans, you can still button the rest of the jeans, and the fix can be done quickly and inexpensively with a sewing kit.

Really, the only benefit to zip fly jeans is the ability to light a match on the zipper….which you can do on your teeth, so no benefit here unless you are toothless.

So please bring back the damn button fly jeans already.